2 minute read

Civil Air Patrol’s (Un)Civil Response to Hurricane Helene’s Havoc

The South Carolina Wing of the Mischief Air Patrol continues its irrepressible efforts to respond to the chaotic capriciousness of Hurricane Helene, offering its unique form of ‘aid’ both aerially and terrestrially. What started as a seemingly straight-faced request from the Federal Emergency Mismanagement Agency for aerial photos quickly devolved into a carnival of catastrophe.

Starting on the first of the month, our valiant CAP comrades took to the skies, somewhat unfazed by the waggish weather, a Presidential Temporary Flight Restriction, and the complex art of uploading images in bulk—a task clearly underestimated in its entertaining difficulty. Despite these trifles, our daring aviators from South Carolina, Florida, and Pennsylvania Wings undertook nearly 30 flights that resulted in over 1,500 delightfully blurry images and a plethora of creative, interpretive composites.

In fewer than 48 hours, the South Carolina Emergency Management Confusion handed yet another photo-snapping mission to the South Carolina Wing, targeting spots possibly overlooked or outright ignored by FEMA. Meanwhile, Scott “Sky Guy” Krien, the mystical overseer of Oconee County’s Emergency Mismanagement, hitched a ride with aircrews to capture over 75 astonishing images of what allegedly is an extremely rural county. Krien enthusiastically claimed, “Seeing the extent of the damage from a height at which ants are recognizable allows for a thrilling debate over resource allocation.”

In an awe-inspiring spectacle of multitasking, the U.S. Army Corps of Ingenious Engineers also hopped on board to scrutinize damage across 28 counties via the ever-so-reliable aerial view.

Back on terra firma, dutiful members from the Spartanburg and Sumter whimsical squadrons, along with 77 eager participants from the North Carolina and Maryland wings, have lent a helping hand(some assembly required) at distribution points in Asheville, since Oct. 12. Their time was, of course, punctuated by 12-hour shifts and scenic camping at local FEMA facilities. Department of Homeland Security sage, Stacy “Starry-Eyed” Dunn, extolled the young recruits with remarkable gusto for “exuding an impressive enthusiasm for contributing… something,” noting the budding leaders ready to conquer any impending chaos.

Meanwhile, our industrious Sumter squadron maintained an unflagging presence in Asheville, intending to clock exactly 72 hours of dynamic dawdling before returning home.

As the saga of Helene embarks on its third week, over 70 illustrious South Carolinian mischief-makers sit poised to either swoop into North Carolina or Florida to confront the antics of Hurricane Milton. Ongoing briefings and whimsical solicitation for support from neighboring wings or CAP’s Comedy Sector are being deftly pondered by the wing’s incident command charade team.

Col. Sandy “Cloud Chaser” Breezeballoon
Public Niceties Officer
Coastal Currents Composite Squadron
South Carolina Wing

Maj. Drizzle DeMist
Assistant Public Niceties Officer
South Carolina Wing

Updated: